What are you waiting for ?? and why ??

"what are you waiting for? and why ??" ( the situation between me and my bf )

this is a quick question that Paul asked me yesterday...

well ~ good question though... I just said to him... I dont think Im waiting for him or something...

because for me... waiting means that you like someone and he/she doesnt like you ... and you still like him/her or something like that ... that calls "waiting"... but for him ~ like what Im doing now is called "waiting " !! I dont know really... I was stuck there for a while... didnt know how to react and reply ... maybe it's just different point of view by everyone ~ so that's what he thinking about me anyway...

ummm..

it's probably true~

if I wasnt me... just a third party...

I would think this kinda relationship isnt worthy at all...

but now... the thing is Im the person who is in there !!

that's very different ...

and this is the very first time that I have this kinda thought that I do love someone...

I really wanna stay with him

even if I cannot see him often like other couple's ...

but it's okey for me though...

I've been going through this...

LOVE is very subjective...

before maybe I just wasnt really in love with someone~

so, that's why I felt tired of then very fast...

and I dont wanna see a guy everyday ~ I need some space for myself...

and Paul gave me another quick question again...

" if you dont wanna see a guy every day ...

how could you talk about marriage ? "

( well~ good question again !! )

yeah.. I stuck again...and I was thinking this issue for a while ...

and I came up with a answer...

I think it's becasue I didnt love them( all of my "EX" )

or I just like them very a little bit ...

or the worst... I didnt like them at all but still accepted them...

had the relationship with them...

suddenly... I felt very bad... ><"

what was I doing ??!! (I was like dating with them for killing the feeling of being lonely??)

bad girl... I am really.... a bad... girl...

this is the time to figure out this now... truly..

I dont wanna myself like this... fluctuating and fluctuating ...

easy to think the other way which isnt good or which is just a saying by others

and Im kinda easy to be affected by someone...

but what am I supposed to do ??

trust the feeling of myself ?

trust him?

trust love...?

many of my friends had talked to me about this ...

and I know !! I know what they are thinking really...

but it's what I chose... even if I would be failed eventually ...

Im still willing to take it by myself...

just maybe I will become very very....

anyway.... dont wanna think that much further now....

just hope everything between he and me would be fine... !!